Have you ever told your child about an upcoming vacation, maybe two months out, and then find yourself greeted by daily questions, perhaps something like, “Do we go on vacation today? What about tomorrow?” Maybe you experienced this when you were helping your child get ready to go to school for the year. Maybe they were excited, or even dreading, the change. How do you know when to tell children about a big change, without it causing stress or harm?

I have a funny story for you. Recently, we discovered a close family friend is pregnant, and her baby will arrive in December. My 8-year-old son was so excited to hear this news. Of course, he wanted to know when the baby would arrive. I told him to expect the baby a little before Christmas, which is a holiday my family celebrates every year. At 8, I know my son can remember previous Christmases. He has a general understanding of the sequence of months and seasons. He knows that Christmas comes in December, which is winter, when there’s snow, a tree in our living room, etc. He knows what’s up!

Well, imagine my surprise when, last week – August – my son asked me if our friend had her baby yet. What?! It’s summer, not even Fall yet. There are no hints of winter in our home, the weather, or general time of year. I was shocked by his question. Then I laughed to myself. Though he is 8, and his mind is able to reason and understand time, he can still get confused. He is excited for the baby. He wants the baby to be here now! That excitement will win over logic any day.

I share this personal story with you all to remind us, as adults, that our children might not be ready to receive schedules, news, and life updates the way we wish they could. We may have to either hold in our excitement, or be prepared to help our children with their questions and concerns on a daily basis until the event or circumstance arrives.

But shouldn’t I foreshadow a big change?

It may seem like the best way to involve a child in your family is by telling them about a change right away, to give them ample time to get used to an idea, like becoming a big sibling, moving schools, or visiting a new place on vacation. However, based on the child’s age and abilities, this might actually lead to more concern and worry than excitement.

When friends share certain information at school, it can upset the community. We’ve seen how conversations about moving away and changing schools impact classmates and room dynamics. Children who hear the information can become sad, confused, tearful, or disengaged from the community. Being thoughtful about what is necessary for your child at their age to know positively impacts their relationships at school. 

As prepared and capable as our children are, we have to remind ourselves that, until about age 12, children are still crystalizing their ability to reason and think critically. For that reason, it is always a good idea to think over how, what, and when to tell children about upcoming events or news.

Toddlers and Children’s House-aged children especially struggle with understanding time and dates. We can talk about the future of course, but it’s best to focus on what is happening now, today, or tomorrow. If this is a big life change, like a new baby or moving schools, you can share information piecemeal, over a period of time, and in generalizations. 

I have a big change coming up soon. What should I do?

Our behavior and emotions as adults will also impact the children in our lives. If we are feeling anxious about a big change, or talk about concerns in front of our children, they will pick that up and also feel nervous or lost. If we try to keep ourselves calm and positive in front of children, they will feel assured and comforted. Wait until you are emotionally calm to share news.

As Montessorians, we respect children as human beings. We also value observation and watch to know when our children are developmentally ready for new lessons, news, or information. Watch your child to see how they handle unfortunate, but low-stakes information: a surprise vaccination at their doctor’s visit, your family ran out of their favorite after school snack, or a neighbor getting a new pet are some examples. Do they require lots of comfort? Appreciate time to ask questions? Hide in their rooms and refuse to come to dinner? Use these events as a way to gauge their ability to handle new information. Remember, until age 12, the reasoning mind is not fully developed, so it’s also important to think about the timing of telling your child something very far in the future. 

As with any transition or change, it is also important to build a sense of closeness with your family around the subject. When you finally introduce new information, do so without distractions: turn off the television and sit together, go for a walk with your child, leave your cell phone in the kitchen and look at your child to gauge their comfort and understanding. 

Always leave time for questions, asking, “What questions do you have for me?” Then, make time to answer those questions! Listen intently, and only answer the question being asked. Typically, shorter, clear sentences are more helpful than drawn out explanations, at every age. Let the children guide how much information you parse out. And, if there are no questions, move on! You don’t need to dwell on the change any more than they require.

Sometimes, it’s necessary to hold back information. For example, you don’t have to let a child know about a death in the family the moment you find out (I’ve made this error.). This is different from being dishonest. Taking a pause and waiting for the right moment, even if it’s far away, is still honest, and it avoids unnecessary overwhelm. 

As with all parenting decisions, there is rarely a cut-and-dry answer that works for every family. The best way to support your child is to observe what they are ready to do or hear, be available for questions, and offer support throughout the experience. 

We can help each other stick to these principles and share our own experiences with each other, too. Coming together at events like Back to School meetings or Coffee & Conversations offer insights on these concepts, as well as time for caregivers to discuss their ideas, while our children are safe at school. We hope to see you and hear your thoughts at an upcoming opportunity!